The Trial of Merry Christmas -vs- Happy Holiday

Lawyer (examining M. Christmas): State your name.

M. Christmas: Merry Christmas.

Lawyer: How old are you?

M. Christmas: 2,012 years old.

Lawyer: Where were you born?

M. Christmas: Bethlehem, Judea in Israel. I was born the same day as Jesus.

Lawyer: (opens Bible) Well, I see a record of Jesus' name and birth....why isn’t there a record of your birth name in the Bible?

M. Christmas: Er,-

Lawyer: You just stated that you are 2,012 years old, yet there is no record of any such celebration called Merry Christmas until centuries later!

M. Christmas: Er, -

Courtroom: (murmurs)

Lawyer: Please tell the court about the evergreen trees, decorations, lights, and material gifts used in early Christmas celebrations.

M. Christmas: Uh, I don’t believe there were any.

Courtroom: (gasps, shocked)

Lawyer (to clerk): Let the record show that Merry Christmas admitted that no evergreens, decorations, or lights were used in early Christmas celebrations. No more questions your Honor.

Judge: Please step down, Merry Christmas.

Lawyer: Your honor, I’d like to call Happy Holidays to the stand.

Lawyer: Please state your name and age for the court record.

H. Holidays: Happy Holidays. I’m about 10 years old.

Lawyer: Did you say 10 years old?

H. Holidays: Yes.

Lawyer: No offense, but you look much older.

H. Holidays: None taken. I’ve been used on and off over the years, but for the last few years, I’ve been used a lot more at this time of the year.

Lawyer: You’re being accused of taking away Christmas.

H.Holidays: No sir! I celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Thanksgiving, and any other holiday that happens to fall in between November 26 and December 31. Then my cousin Happy New Year takes over.

Lawyer: Why do you have to speak for all the other holidays?

H. Holidays: I don’t have to. I don’t even get paid extra for all those other holidays! Due to the over-materialism of Merry Christmas, the public got tired of saying Merry Christmas and employers wanted to be inclusive of employees of other faiths so some genius decided to lump all of the holidays together under my name-without notifying me first!

Courtroom: (shocked, murmurs)

Merry Christmas: (stands up) I object your honor. My name is being slandered. I didn’t want all these fancy wreaths and expensive gifts (gifts and decorations fall to the court room floor)

Happy Holidays: Oh please! Just look at you. You’re like a walking, talking department store. Just look at those unopened electronics.

Merry Christmas (angry): I’ll teach you!

(Merry Christmas attacks Happy Holidays)

Judge: Order in the court! Order in the Court!

(Bailiff separates Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays)

Judge: Very undignified behavior, Merry Christmas. I remember how gracious you used to be when I was growing up.

Merry Christmas: Me? Undignified??!! Just look at yourselves. Every year, you demanded more and more of me until finally I become an empty by word, a catch phrase where all of you get a few days off so you can buy more stuff than you need, never once thinking about Me and what I really mean. You all disgust me. You can keep your precious Happy Holidays. I’m leaving.

Happy Holidays: Wait! Merry Christmas is right. (turns to the courtroom) Merry Christmas has worked hard for centuries and somewhere along the way, you all demanded much more than Merry was ever intended to give. Just saying Merry Christmas used to bring a cheerful look to your faces and now look at all of you-your skin is pasty from looking into those smartphones and cyber shopping all day long.

H. Holidays (cont’d):And me? I don’t even know what I stand for anymore. Merry Christmas and I used to go hand in hand. You couldn’t say one without the other and now, you greedy, greedy people have used us for the last time. Without us, you won’t get a day off, you’ll have to work all year round, there won’t be any more sales leading up to us and worst of all you’ll never see those beloved, heartwarming cartoons about Rudolph, Santa, Frosty, or Ebenezer Scrooge ever again. You know they were made so that maybe just once you would think about WHAT we mean and WHO we really represent. Fare well, forever. Let’s go Merry.

(Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays link arms and disappear in an explosion of tinsel) 

(Immediately all of the Holiday décor in the courtroom incinerates.)

(Juror screams): Cyber Monday has been cancelled! (smartphone disappears) Oh no, my phone is gone! That was a gift from last uh, uh…I can’t remember, my gift is gone.

(Everyone else starts screaming too as their smartphones and other Christmas gifts disappear)

Reporter: Millions of dollars in electronics, mostly gifts from uh, uh, hmm, I can’t remember what these gifts were for, but they have all disappeared. This, in addition to parking lots filled with evergreen trees. FAO Schwartz and Toys R Us are gone too, while many other stores are now half-empty. Makes you wonder what holiday will disappear next.

THE END